Two kids are fighting over the same toy. The teacher approaches them and says, "If you can't share the toy, then neither one of you will get to play with it!" The teacher takes the toy and puts it out of reach.

 Elsewhere, in another classroom in another center, two different kids are fighting over the same toy. The teacher approaches them and frustratedly says, "You need to share the toy!"

What do these scenarios have in common, other than the fact that they happen in thousands of childcare centers several times a day? Do these approaches actually teach children how to share?

The Ego-Centric Mind of the Child

Children have a hard time looking at things from other people's viewpoint. They aren't able to see or understand how their actions affect others until they are taught that skill. When it comes to playing with toys, the mindset is that everything is theirs. That is why the Toddler Creed exists, because people throughout time have noticed this tendency in children.

The Toddler Creed

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and I change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

 Author: Unknown

How Do We Work With This Mindset?

If someone felt strongly enough about this observation of young children to write a poem about it that has been shared and referred to for years upon years upon years, then there must be some truth to it. So if this is the toddler mindset, how can we expect two young children who are fighting over the same toy to share just because we told them to?

 Never mind the fact that the word "share" is such an ambiguous word. What does it really mean? How would you break it down and explain it to a two year old? (Have you ever actually tried to explain it to a two year old?) As teachers, it seems to be second nature to just throw that word out there to children when they are fighting over something and expect them to know what we want them to do.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

One of the foundational aspects of classroom management is being aware of the words and language we use when talking to young children. Because young children are still learning how to use words and what those words mean, we have to be aware when our words might not make sense to a child. Sure, we might say the word "share" to a child fifty times a day, but if that child has the Toddler Creed Mindset and we haven't shown them what sharing looks like, then they will never understand or be able to share when we ask them to.

 Teaching Sharing

Then there are the ways that we try to teach children to share. Sometimes teachers will get a timer and give each child that wants a turn with the toy an allotted amount of time before they have to give the toy to the next child. While there is nothing wrong with this approach, we have to remember that when the timer goes off, the child who is playing with the toy will lose that toy to another child, setting off the potential for a fight or flight response. Because this is a catalyst for challenging behaviors, we may want to rethink how we are approaching teaching this skill.

 So how can we teach children to share without setting off a fight or flight response? In the book It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids, Heather Shumaker discusses how it is important to understand the rights and needs of each child involved in the sharing process. When children get deeply involved with a toy or material, they are learning something and being challenged in some way. How disruptive to that learning process is it to interrupt and give that toy to someone else? And what are our actions of taking the toy saying to that child? "So sorry - I know you were learning something or doing something important to you but the timer went off and you have to stop doing that so that this kid can have a turn." How do you think those actions make that child feel?

 Even more important, what does it say to a child after the scenario has been repeated over and over again? Are they likely to even try to get involved in some deep, focused play with a material or are they going to be worried about the possibility of the toy being taken away from them and given to someone else if they want it? And what about the child that receives the toy - what is this action saying to them? If they simply say that someone isn't sharing, they will receive that toy. I've seen so many situations where a child simply wants something that another child has and tells the teacher that the child isn't sharing as a way to receive the toy. Who actually learns anything about sharing in this scenario? How do we keep children from using the phrase "He isn't sharing!" as a weapon to get what they want?

Sharing, Empathy, and Self-Regulation

The key is to keep in mind the rights of the children involved.

• A child who is playing with a toy has the right to play with it until they are done. Taking the toy from them before they are done with it leads to a sense of loss and could lead to a fight or flight response.

• A child who wants to play with a toy that someone else has also has a right to play with the toy, but not at the expense of the rights of the child who has the toy.

• In order for the rights of both children to be addressed, the second child should wait until the first child is done playing with the toy before they can have their turn.

Ah, waiting - just what every early childhood educator wants to hear as the solution to a problem with kids who are too young to wait for long periods of time! However, which lesson makes more sense for children to learn: that they can get what they want quickly by accusing another child of not sharing, or that good things come to those who wait and that the rights of other people matter?

Self-Regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you. It is one of the biggest skills that children learn in Early Childhood programs, and it is the main skill that elementary teachers say is a predictor of success in elementary classrooms. It is the ability to cope when you don't get what you want right away, the ability to express your feelings and wants without throwing an all out tantrum, and the ability to understand how your actions affect other people. When we teach children about sharing with everyone's rights taken into consideration, it teaches each one of those skills:

• The child who wants the toy has to learn to wait their turn

• The child who wants the toy has to learn the words to use to tell the other child that they would like a turn

• The child who has the toy learns that they can still play with the toy until they are done, but the feelings of someone else are at stake if they unnecessarily hold the toy for a long time.

Yes, I have seen children who were playing with the toy first tell a child that they will never be done with

the toy - weaponizing having the toy just as much as the other child could have weaponized them not sharing. Usually children don't have a problem with giving up a toy if another child expresses an interest in playing with it. But children who are old enough to have these types of conversations like to experiment with how their actions and words affect other people - another skill involved in self-regulation. Telling someone that they will never be done with a toy most likely brings out a negative reaction in the other child. This is a great teaching moment where the emotions of the child can be pointed out to the child with the toy, and the explanation made that they are "upset because when you said that you were never going to be done, they thought that it meant that you were not going to let them have a turn. Is that what you meant?" Confronting the child with how their response made the other child feel is an important part of the process of learning how to share. If we are to teach children to be compassionate, we have to let them know how their actions and words affect others.

Sometimes they are already feeling the sense of loss simply from someone asking for the toy, and their saying they will never be done with it is a reaction from that response. Letting them know that they are welcome to play with the toy as long as they want and they can hand the toy to the other child whenever they want to may help diffuse that response.

The Process of "Not" Sharing

So what does this process look like? What skills and words do children need to learn in order for "not" sharing to work?

1. The phrase I teach to children is, "Can I have a turn when you are done with it?"

2. They have to be made aware that after they say the phrase to the child with the toy, they then have to wait until that child is done. They may need guidance with this at first: "What can we do/build while we are waiting for them to be done?"

3. If the child that has the toy says "no," or "I'm never going to be done," point out to them how their words have made the other child feel. Let them know that they will be able to play with the toy as long as they want, and that they can give it to the other child when they are ready.

Conclusion

Teaching sharing skills are an important part of early childhood. How we approach teaching those skills can make a different when it comes to a child's ability to self-regulate once they enter elementary school. By teaching these skills now, we can help children be successful in their social interactions for the rest of their lives.