Self-Regulation: the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you.

 I got this definition from an Australian parenting site called raisingchildren.net.au. I love this all-encompassing definition, but it has a lot of information in it. Let's take a moment to unpack this definition so that we can move forward in this conversation with all of the pieces we need to put together an effective strategy to teach young children self-regulation skills.

Starting at the End

I think the best way to unpack this definition is to start at the end of it, with "feelings and things happening around you."

 We have already talked about how children have an Ego-centric view of the world. Their view of the world revolves around them because they can't yet understand that other people have feelings, opinions, wants, or desires that are different from their own. This makes it hard for them to self-regulate because the things happening around them may not conform to their expectations based on their feelings, opinions, wants, and desires. When children get hit with this difference between their wants and the wants of someone else (a peer, teacher, or parent) they begin to feel like they don't have control over what is going on. This can lead to a sense of loss, which leads to fight or flight.

 And while children don't understand that people around them may want different things than they do,

they also don't understand how these differences can affect their feelings. While an older child may be able to accept that they will have to wait to get what they want because their authority figure wants them to do something else first, this is hard for an egocentric preschooler to understand. In their minds, everyone has the same goal and that goal is for that child to get what they want. Coming up against resistance to that idea can lead to tantrums and aggressive behavior as children experience big feelings that they don't know how to deal with.

 So our first goal is to bring attention to the fact that different people have different wants, needs, and desires. We can do this through basic discussions about how one child's favorite color may not be the same as another child's favorite color, how one child's favorite food is different from another child's favorite food, and how one child may like the block center the best and another child like dramatic play the best. Another way to bring attention to this is to talk about how families do things differently. These are conversations that can take place throughout the day as children play.

 The second part of this is helping children recognize and identify their feelings. This is a tricky one because learning about feelings can't happen in the middle of a big feeling. Once a child has entered into a big feeling, they are consumed by it and nothing else around them matters. So attempting to teach children about the feeling as they are experiencing it does little to nothing to teach them about it and could actually make the feeling even bigger.

 This brings us to the beginning of the definition, though: "the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions."

 The key to teaching children about feelings and how to manage them is to talk to them about it when they are calm. Talk to them about what "mad" looks like and feels like when they are calm, and teach them the skills to use to calm down when they are already calm. In a calm state, children can listen and understand, where if they are in an emotionally charged state they won't be able to.

 Does this mean that they will readily reach for those skills the very next time that they get angry? No! Just like learning any new skill, it takes repetition and practice before a child can readily reach for the skills you have taught them in the heat of the moment. When a child enters into a big emotion, it is okay to remind them of the skill they need to reach for, but they may not be able to reach for it right away. Remember, big feelings come from a place of fight or flight, and it can be hard to shift focus to active calming when your body is in the middle of perceiving a threat to its survival, which is the basis of the fight or flight response. It will take a lot of practice for a child to be able to do that, but this is the key to managing emotions.

Actions Have Consequences

The other part of this is bringing attention to those "things happening around you." Because of children's natural egocentricity, they have a hard time understanding how their actions affect the feelings of those around them. Facilitating conversations with children during an altercation and pointing out their feelings to the other child involved is a crucial part of teaching this skill. "Jacob didn't like it when you took his toy. It made him mad. Look at his face." Pointing out the feelings of children to children is another way of not only letting them know how their actions affect those around them, but also helps the child with the big feelings identify their emotions and what causes them. These are crucial skills to develop on the road to self-regulation.

Self-Regulation is a Worthwhile Journey

The road to teaching self-regulation to young children is not a short one. It takes time, consistency, and a lot of patience. You will find yourself feeling frustrated at times because it can feel like you are repeating yourself over and over again to the same children about these skills. But every child is different, and every child will pick up these skills at their own pace, just as with any other skill. The key to sustaining the journey is knowing that these skills will help children learn positive communication skills that will benefit them in all of their relationships throughout the rest of their lives. We are helping them build the foundation for that. And that is a worthwhile journey.